Foo

[mamadeb]

Okay, you have to know this. I *hate* cutsey-poo things. I really do.

And this, to me, is really cutsey-poo. I know some of you will disagree, and maybe think it's lovely. I just. Ick.

My brother-in-law's future sister-in-law just sent us a square of fabric to decorate to be part of a personalized chuppah (wedding canopy.) She thinks it'll be great because she had a girlfriend who did this.

And - my goodness. How *twee.*

And, well. We were hoping they'd use the same chuppah we did.

Their grandfather's tallis. You know. Family. Continuity. Tradition - something that will be sadly missing from this wedding otherwise. We haven't suggested it, of course.

It *is* their wedding and they have the right to decide what to use.

Except - they will now HAVE to use this chuppah because it'll be made by all their friends and family. Whether they want to or not. And. Foo.

Edit: M does know about it - he told Jonathan they were going to do what he called an "AIDS quilt" sort of thing, but Jonathan didn't realize it would include us, so he never said. So. Well. And he doesn't think it's so bad, either.

Comments

[tpau]

a friend of mine had all her friends who knit or crochet make squares for her huppah. it was nifty keen. andnwo they hav ea really cool throw for thier couch. they descided they were making a new tradition that way... sometimes it is really ncie...

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

As I said, I expect people to disagree.

I like older traditions myself. Also. Your friend decided to do it herself. This is a "surprise" from the sister.

[tpau]

oh i didn't get that on first reading. as surprises go that is sort of an imposition... that actually rahter changes my oppinion... if a couple wants to break form tradition, is their choice, but it can't be achoice that is made for them...

[kid-lit-fan.livejournal.com]

I agree with tpau, including the fact that I didn't read carefully the first time. If the couple were doing it themselves, I could see it as sweet. But how long does the sister-in-law plan to keep it a surprise? Until the wedding.

Also, things like this are usually though up by somewhat crafty people, who don't get that others just aren't up to their speed. I just know that some squares will show absolutely breathtaking beauty and care, and some will be initials scrawled on in smeary Sharpie.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

I'm *so* tempted. I have the sharpies....

I wouldn't do that. I have ideas.

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, it's a shame they're not using the "family" chuppah and continuing tradition.

On the other hand, this is also a way of expressing how much their family means to them. A different sort of tradition, if you will, of inclusion, and reaching out to ensure that everyone has that little thrill on the wedding day that says "I helped their wedding to be something special. And they asked me to help!" It's a more modern way of thought, admittedly.

On the gripping hand, I hope at least the fabric they provided wasn't too cutesy in and of itself. That would throw the whole thing right back into the Ugh Corner.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

It'll probably be just fine, and you can see what I've edited, so it's not so bad.

Still too cutsey for me, but I have no say in the matter.

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

*nod* Primary rule of weddings: the wedding is ultimately about the bride and the groom. Regardless of what the parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends etc. of those two think. And wise are the relatives and friends who remember that (as you demonstrate in your second sentence).

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Nod.

But it doesn't hurt to be considerate of your family, either.

[jonbaker.livejournal.com]

Only I think they've expressed how much the family means to them by NOT INVITING THEM, other than the immediate relatives. Mitch and I have a fair-sized family for not-heavy-Orthodox, about 45 relatives out to 2nd-cousin range that ought to be part of the wedding. But they're not. He's going to make a separate party for the family a week later.

So the "family" on the chuppah will be us immediate relatives who are already annoyed that they're doing the wedding out in the boonies and not inviting the rest of the family, and some of their friends.

Inclusion is one thing. An inclusive symbol when you're practicing exclusion is quite another.

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

Ow. Yes, that does shed a different light on the matter. Is there a specific reason the family's not all invited at once? ISTM that unless there is one (such as hall size [especially if it's a shul hall], for example), then there ought to be one party, for everyone. Not two, which implies strongly that there's an A-list and a B-list. As you say, exclusionary.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

The wedding will be held in a friend's backyard in Amherst, MA. Five hours away from where anyone lives, *except* those friends, on a weekend where hotel space there is rarer than gold - Labor Day weekend in a college town.

It's there specifically so that the wedding can be small, since her relatives live in Florida. M did his postdoc in Amherst; J's only visited.

Those of her relatives who will come (group does not include her parents)will have a two-three hour drive from a small airport, which will therefore cost them more money to go, thus reducing the likelihood of their attending.

And it will NOT be religious. M is making a big deal about how he is making concessions for us - having it on a Sunday and with kosher food (of a sort).

[amedia.livejournal.com]

The wedding will be held in a friend's backyard in Amherst, MA. Five hours away from where anyone lives, *except* those friends, on a weekend where hotel space there is rarer than gold - Labor Day weekend in a college town.

It's there specifically so that the wedding can be small

I really don't wish to be rude or to pass judgment, because these are, after all, members and members-to-be of your family. But this does remind me of an expression my sister loves to use: "I cried because I had no shoes, till I met someone who had no class."

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

We're dealing with a number of factors. One is that J's family is very acrimonious, so she had to figure out who would attend with whom. Her parents are *both* out, which is sad.

Another is that M and J are in their thirties, and as such want to bear the expense of the wedding themselves. The problem is that they haven't figured on how much it will cost the rest of us to get there. As we're the only shomer shabbat people, we're the only ones who'll have the extra expense of Friday and Saturday night.

They have been offered very pretty and fairly inexpensive places closer to New York City, but M wants this. He has that right. Unfortunately, we don't have a choice - Jonathan really wants to see his brother married.

The other bit is that M has tremendous driving stamina and doesn't seem to realize that the rest of us don't.

[bercilakslady.livejournal.com]

Huh. I dislike the surprise aspect of this, as the couple should in no way be forced into using something for their chuppah that they don't want. That said, I've been asked (by the bride) to help with such a personalized chuppah. The family did a wonderful job decorating the squares, and it was lovely.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Turns out I was wrong.

Really wrong - had an argument with my husband about it, too.

I should be glad they're having a chuppah at all.

[bercilakslady.livejournal.com]

Now that I've read all the edits, I can just say that I'm sorry there's so much that causes misgivings about the ceremony.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Please let me be clear.

We're extremely happy about the fact that they're getting married. They're very much in love, she's a bright, sweet and beautiful woman, and we adore her daughter.

We just wish they'd chosen a closer place - Jonathan's family really does understand *small* weddings and large sheva brachot.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad to hear you are happy about the marriage, and I'm sorry I didn't make it clear that I know you are. I just with you were happier about the placement of the actual ceremony.

[bercilakslady.livejournal.com]

That's me above, sorry about that.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

The twee-ness depends on how the squares are decorated. I had friends who did it, and fortunately their wedding was small enough and people had enough sense (and it was assembled by the bride's grandmother, if I'm not mistaken, who had taste coming out of her eyeballs) that the final product was lovely. I do agree that the concept itself is dangerously cutesy-poo prone, though.

Of course, that was something the couple decided to do, rather than something someone decided for them.

Note: there will be a great deal of "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine."

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Note: there will be a great deal of "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine."

No, there won't be. Not from her family.

But it'll be fine, I'm sure.

[naomichana.livejournal.com]

My husband and I love our friends and family, but we did not for one moment trust their collective aesthetic tastes -- witness some of the wedding gifts we got! -- enough to allow them to determine any major elements of my wedding. (Even the wedding party had fairly free rein in terms of clothing, but then we didn't consider everyone else's clothes to be a major element.) The chuppah-square thing therefore frightens me. Heck, letting someone else plan my shower frightened me, and that was well-nigh unavoidable. ;)

Letting someone else plan how our chuppah was to be constituted would've been entirely outside the pale. But I think there are three issues here: one, that the sister-in-law may be presuming (if the bride and groom don't know about her plans); two, that you'd rather they have the option of using the family tallit (which it was perhaps rude of someone not to have inquired about -- whether the bride, the groom, or the SIL I can't honestly tell); three, that the whole wedding plan is clearly annoying you on too many levels to name and this is only the latest symptom.

Hey, have you considered decorating your square with closely grouped stripes on each end, some sewn-on fringe on the ends parallel to the stripes, and knotted strings on the four corners? Or am I just being all cutesy-poo? ;)

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Apparently, I was wrong about the surprise, but that seemed to be implied in the letter.

And, yeah, there are other annoying things, but this - this would bother me no matter what. I really don't like wedding innovations.

Jonathan is going to use photographs of their grandparents.

[jonbaker.livejournal.com]

A fake tallis - hey, now there's a thought.

[cellio]

Hey, have you considered decorating your square with closely grouped stripes on each end, some sewn-on fringe on the ends parallel to the stripes, and knotted strings on the four corners?

What a great idea!

I once received a wedding invitation accompanied by a piece of fabric. I was pretty clueless, and the request that came with it said something like "please add your blessings" or words to that effect. So I did, in fact, write on it and send it back. Only much, much later did it occur to me that maybe I was being asked to produce art, and the cloth had an even weave presumably for the benefit of needleworkers. I am not an embroiderer or cross-stitcher or whatever, though, and that didn't even occur to me until it was too late. (I wasn't able to attend the wedding, so I didn't see how it all came out.)

[kressel.livejournal.com]

I agree with you that the traditional tallis, especially as it was owned by the chosson's grandfather, is a much nicer option. Do you think you could suggest it to the s-i-l who sent the swatches around? Or would it start a whole family fight and it's just not worth it?

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

She's sent the swatches around, complete with return envelope. It will just start a fight, I think. Totally not worth it.

J's sister lives in Florida. I've never met her (and she sent the swatches with a form letter, so she's not exactly trying to be friendly to her sister's future in-laws.)

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Since she's planning it as a surprise, it could really backfire. What would happen if your b-i-l is thinking of the tallis already and just hasn't mentioned it because the wedding's not close enough?

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

I'ts not a surprise, as it turn out. And I really don't think M cares.

[jonbaker.livejournal.com]

No, he doesn't care. I suggested Grandpa's tallis, or maybe his own tallis (kinda girly, with rainbow stripes), and he said that J's sister was planning some kiid of AIDS-quilt thing. I didn't realize at the time that that meant we would have to express ourselves for it.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I went to a wedding where this was done, and found it surprisingly beautiful. I believe the couple later quilted the chuppah, and use it as a quilt in their home now. They are the kind of people who really love making things themselves, so making a quilt of their chuppah made perfect sense for them, I think.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Jonathan davens with our chuppah, so it's not like using it is a bad thing...

I suspect that if it is quilted, it'll be the sister.

[jonbaker.livejournal.com]

Actually, I don't daven with it any more. The squares of reinforcing fabric at the corners are fraying badly. It is, after all, 94 years old.

[amedia.livejournal.com]

It is, after all, 94 years old.

That's so beautiful. A family treasure.

The closest analogy I can think of - metherion (my son) was christened in a gown of Belfast lace from Ireland that has been passed down in my family for generations. I wouldn't have dreamed of getting or making a new one.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Normally, it would have been buried with jonbaker's grandfather, but he stopped being religious long before. They found it after he died.

I loved getting married under it, though.

[kmelion.livejournal.com]

Because Zach and I got married in NY, and I had been living in Israel for 8 years by then, and he'd been in Israel a year, we felt it was vital to have our family and friends here in Israel (and those in the US we knew wouldn't be attending) participate in some way.

We sent out 10 inch x 10 inch squares of cloth, along with a small note, asking friends and family to decorate the square with a bracha, a memory or a design of some sort for our chuppah. Zach and his sister then pinned the returned squares as an overhanging trim for the chuppah and we'll eventually get around to framing all the pieces.

It was really beautiful and everyone who participated thought it was a lovely idea and a thoughtful gesture.