I'm scared

[mamadeb]

I am seriously getting scared. It's taken me two days to even start working on a resume. Yesterday, when I should have been making chicken soup and doing more menu stuff, I spent the entire day doing nothing. I didn't shower until around 6PM, I didn't leave the house until 7 (when I had my first real meal since breakfast - wonton soup and an eggroll) and, well, dinner was leftovers plus noodles, and I didn't start cooking the noodles until jonbaker called from a taxi.

I don't go to synagogue. I don't go to my parshah shiur (and everyone apparenlty misses me. I don't know.) I barely have guests for yom tov - Jonathan wants to ask people if we can join THEM for Friday night. I read, I sleep, i surf the web and I write.

At least I'm writing. That's a good thing, right? And I'm doing the secretary stuff for the shul board and I'm DOING that, so that's also good. But I'm not even knitting right now.

I see ads for decent jobs and DO NOTHING - I freeze and my stomach hurts.

It's been over a year.

jonbaker asked if he should ask his old therapist if she had a slot.

I told him "Yes." Because I know this feeling. I remember entire weeks spent doing nothing, cooking endless chicken legs and broccoli for dinner.

Because it would feel so good to just let go and let things happen, and I don't want that again.

Comments

[kass]

I had noticed your relative radio silence around here, and was wondering whether you were doing okay, especially with the yamim nora'im on the horizon.

Seeing a therapist seems really wise to me. I hope that she's able to help you untangle some of what's going on, and also find ways around it.

Wishing you refuah shleimah.

[wolfshark]

*hugs*

[mamadeb]

Part of the "radio silence" is me falling head first into a rather consuming new fandom. I'm actually writing more than I have in years, but otherwise - yeah. I don't have much to talk about, at least not positive.

And this is yet another failed Elul when I have done NOTHING about tshuvah or trying to change myself. One of a long string of failed Eluls.

I need to make a commitment to actually write something in my lj/dw daily. I don't know if it would help, but I do know it wouldn't hurt.

[mamadeb]

*HUGS* you!

[elynross]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm really glad that he asked, and that you said yes. It seems to me that that active step, small as it is, is huge, when you're feeling like this.

[cereta]

{{hugs}}

[kass]

I'm glad to hear of the new fandom. AI, right? It seems that a lot of people I know and love are having a fabulous time there. :-)

The nice thing about Elul is that it will always roll around again, and we will always have room for improvement. That said, I hope the chagim themselves give you what you need, so that you can come out of the season feeling less burdened.

And writing something at lj/dw daily is a great idea.

[amadi]

This all sounds very familiar to me, especially the sense of wasting time, or not doing things "right" in some fashion. I think your husband's thought of the therapist is an excellent and necessary idea, and bless him for being perceptive rather than angry. Also, remember you are not just the chemicals in your brain, nor are you responsible for them, no more than you can will your pancreas to make more insulin. Take action, but be kind to yourself as well.

Refuah shleimah, and many, many hugs, {{{mamadeb}}}.

[mamadeb]

He gave me her number and I will be calling her today. I made a to-do list and everything. (first thing on the list? Get dressed. *sigh*)

He's been angry and frustrated, but now he's just worried.

I have no problems with taking meds if this is not just situational. I've seen how much they help Jonathan.

(BTW, my pancreas has no problem MAKING insulin. It's just taking it's time. :) That's how type II works, and why I use meds and diet, not insulin.)

Thank you so much. [[hugs]]

[mamadeb]

I'm sort of hoping to have a good long talk with my father during yizkor on Yom Kippur and Shimini Atzeret. I usually do.

Yep. I've succumbed to RPF. And yes, I've been having a fabulous time, but it's weird. Writing the story for McShep Match kept me grounded a bit, btw.

I will try to keep that commitment. Even if it's just "wrote more today."

[mamadeb]

It is. Thank you.

Calling her today.

[mamadeb]

*HUGS*

[batdina]

Refuah sh'lema.

Take good care of yourself and let the husband take care of you too.

[ysobel]

*hugs*

[amadi]

I taught myself a while ago that if I have to make a list that includes items like "bathe" and "put on publicly presentable clothes" then so be it, if it helps me get those things done, especially on days when I'm working from home, which I'm doing more of now. There's nothing wrong with that.

I hope the phone call is fruitful.

{{more hugs}}

[mamadeb]

I left her a message. And I now have chicken soup cooking. Chicken soup is a tad more complex NOW than a year or so ago.

Soon, after I skim it down, I will work on my resume. And a story someone purchased for a charity auction.

Yes, DOING THINGS.

And I voted today, too.

[mamadeb]

Taking care of the husband is the thing that makes me most productive.

But he will take care of me if I need it.

[mamadeb]

*HUGS*

[amadi]

Progress!

Icon is for You.

[devilc]

You're still here. You're. Still. Here.

But like Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Re: Icon is for You.

[mamadeb]

Yes, and I have every intention of staying here for a LONG time. I'm just tired of being frozen.

[dsgood]

Having read your later message first, I see you're doing at least a bit better.

Good luck!

[whatistigerbalm]

I'm there too, so... *hug*

Here's to you getting back to your joyous self!

[mamadeb]

I am. I have to - yom tov doesn't wait.

[mamadeb]

I'll settle for more than functional, but joyous would be NICE.

HUGS!

[ariestess]

{{{hugs}}}

[mamadeb]

*hugs*

[castiron]

***hugs***

I hope you're able to get through this soon and that it doesn't recur for a long long time.